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Let's Talk Boundaries: Part 2
Welcome to Part 2 of Let’s Talk Boundaries. Before we dive into WHY a lack of boundaries typically exists, I wanted to do a quick recap of Part 1:
Perhaps one of the most important aspects of building a harmonious relationship with your horse, boundaries create a safe space for both horse and human to exist together. Traditionally, we are taught to set rigid, unchanging boundaries and to mindlessly enforce them anytime your horse encroaches upon one. This is the mindset of many horse people, from the time they are young, because we are told that if we don’t do this, “the horse will hurt us.” We are told that if we don’t have complete and utter control of the horse’s feet and body at all times, we are in imminent danger. “Horses are herd animals,” they say, “and you must be the alpha mare and demand respect.” I lived this way with horses for many years. I will say that it’s effective. Your horse will learn to stay out of your space and he will tiptoe around you to be sure he doesn’t “cross the line.” While this keeps you safe, it doesn’t leave room for authentic connection and relationship. It creates obedience and blind rule-following.
So now let’s get right into Part 2!
In this blog, we are going to talk about WHY a lack of boundaries typically exists. In Part 1, I asked you to do an exercise in which you discovered whether your horse respects your boundaries, and more importantly if you respect your horse’s. What did you discover? I am not of the belief that horses are malicious, dominant creatures out to try and one-up you or steal the show. I don’t think they wake up in the morning thinking about how they can overthrow you to achieve herd leadership.
My belief: When a horse consistently crosses through your boundaries, it’s because the boundaries aren’t clear to your horse. That may seem like a “duh” statement, but I wanted to make sure we got that part out of the way first. So now, let’s get to the WHY.
Why aren’t your boundaries clear to your horse?
If you’ve been to a clinic of mine or have worked with me in any capacity, you have most likely heard me talk about this concept of mindfulness. This isn't a new concept by any means, but it can be an interesting idea to bring into horse training for a lot of people. First, let’s look at the basic definition:
mindfulness (noun)
a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations
Let’s look at an example of what a lack of mindfulness looks like when you’re with your horse:
You show up at the barn and you’re a bit anxious and out of it because traffic was horrible. You’re thinking about how horribly your 1:30 PM meeting today went, and you know you need to hurry because your family is expecting you home by 6:45 PM. As you’re thinking all of this, you simultaneously walk to your horse’s stall, put his halter on, and get him in the crossties. You’re brushing him. He’s pawing and tossing his head. You’re still thinking about that afternoon meeting that didn’t go as you’d planned. He’s tossing his head some more. You walk in front of him to go to the other side and BAM! He slams the side of your face with his nose. Suddenly, you’re brought back into the present moment as you lift your hand and WHACK him on the neck. He stops tossing his head and pawing his leg. You resume grooming. You start thinking about what you need to do when you get home. You’re making a to-do list in your head for things that you can’t possibly do right now. Your horse is dancing in the crossties now, but you’re back to thinking about how awful that traffic was on your drive from work. You walk behind him to change sides and BAM! His left hip pushes into you as he pivots to look at his friend down the aisle. You’re brought back into the present moment as you lift your hand and WHACK him on the hip. “How rude!” you think to yourself. “How dare he push into me like that?!” But you resume grooming him, tack him up and get on.
It’s after the ride now and you’re standing in the aisle with him while you’re talking to your friend. Your friend is telling you about what her husband did yesterday and you’re commiserating at how annoying that is. All this time your horse is rummaging through the pockets of your jacket with his nose. Your friend asks you about work. You start to go off about how awful that 1:30 PM meeting went. Your horse is rummaging at your jacket again, but you’re really into this story so you reach into the pocket and hand him the cookie he smells. You keep telling your friend all about this meeting (the one that happened 4 hours ago), and your horse starts nuzzling at the pocket again. You don’t realize it because you’re really into this story. All of a sudden, you’re brought back to the present moment as your horse’s teeth grab your jacket and yank you to the right. You reach up and WHACK him on the nose and then back him up 10’ down the barn aisle all while yelling about how rude he is and “how dare you bite me?!”
Does this sound like anything you’ve experienced?
How a lack of mindfulness creates a lack of consistency
In the aforementioned example, we see the horse exhibit many “lack of boundary” behaviors:
Hitting your face with his nose
Hitting your body with his hip
Pushing against your body with his nose
Biting you with his teeth
In conjunction with these “lack of boundary” behaviors, we see you exhibit a lot of “lack of consistency” behaviors:
Allowing pawing and head tossing and then suddenly correcting it
Allowing the horse to dance around and move into space and then suddenly correcting it
Allowing the horse to “rummage” and play with the pocket, rewarding this behavior by giving him a cookie and then suddenly correcting it
In this example, the horse doesn’t actually know what is “allowed” and what is not. Why? Because the human doesn’t consistently correct the behavior. The human is too caught up in the happenings of the day to be a consistent, fair, dependable leader.
When you lack mindfulness, you are unable to be aware of what’s happening in the present moment.
When you lack mindfulness, you are unable to be aware of and control your emotions.
When you lack mindfulness, you are unable to be aware of what your horse needs from you.
So that’s why a lack of boundaries exist in a lot of horse-human relationships. It’s because the human is not being clear. We get so caught up in our day-to-day lives that we miss out on obvious behavioral “issues” in our horses and they end up snowballing into bigger problems, bad habits and “vices.” In Part 3, we’re going to talk about how to to change this! We will talk about how mindfulness can help you control your emotions so that you never correct your horse with any negative energy (i.e. anger, frustration). The relationship you have with your horse will undoubtedly improve as communication gets clearer and more consistent.
For now, you can start to try and be more aware of how often you get wrapped up in your thoughts. If you’d like to start meditating, I recommend the Headspace app or 10% Happier. Both of these have been extremely influential in helping me become a better, kinder and more consistent leader for my horses! Stay tuned for Part 3…
Jess Roberts, owner and trainer of Harmonized Horsemanship, is a Colorado horse trainer and equine behaviorist based out of Franktown specializing in the horse and human connection. Through liberty work, intuitive communication, and respectful horsemanship, Jess creates a deeper connection that results in a willing and happy equine partner. Learn more about her approach here.
How many times would you carry groceries for a stranger?
How many times would you carry groceries for a stranger without feeling negatively about it?
I want you to imagine you’re in a grocery store. (For the purposes of this analogy, we’re going to assume this is pre-pandemic.) So you walk into this grocery store and almost immediately someone approaches you with a few bags of groceries. They walk straight up to you, hold out the groceries and say “will you carry these to my car for me?”
Now, almost immediately, you’re going to have an emotional/mental reaction to this. It might be that you are immediately annoyed or feel “put off.” It might be that you feel excited about the opportunity to help someone. It might be somewhere in between. At this point, you may start hearing your mother’s voice in your head reminding you to be kind, or you may hear a different voice in your head saying a bunch of expletives and wanting to tell this person to take a hike. Regardless, you get to decide how to react. If I had to assume, most of you would oblige, take the bags and help the person to their car.
Now we’re going to look into a few different scenarios of how this plays out:
A) You get to the car and load up the groceries. The person gives you a silent nod, a small, forced smile, gets in their car and drives off. How do you feel?
B) You get to the car and load up the groceries. The person is immensely grateful, tells you how wonderful you are, showers you with gratitude and appreciation, gets in their car and drives off. How do you feel?
C) You get to the car and load up the groceries. The person does nothing to acknowledge that and immediately starts asking (more like telling) you to do some other tasks for them. How do you feel?
So now you’re back at the grocery store the next day because apparently you forgot something and you got sent back to complete your list. 😉 Almost immediately upon your arrival, here’s this same person, standing before you, holding out bags of groceries. “Will you carry these to my car for me?” they ask. How you respond to this will directly relate to how the scenario played out the day before. I want you to think about how you would respond the second day in a row based on scenarios A, B, and C. We’re going to assume that the person responds the same way each time you carry their groceries for them.
And now, once again, you’re back at the grocery store for the THIRD DAY in a row! As you arrive, you see that same stranger standing in the doorway, almost like they were awaiting your arrival just to ask you to do something for them. How will you respond on the third day in a row?
What about the 4th day?
What about the 5th day?
By the 5th or 6th day, here’s what I would do, based on the different scenarios:
A) I see the person standing before me and I avoid eye contact. I try to look busy, maybe I stare at my phone, maybe I turn my head and talk to my friend. I might walk quickly past them in an attempt to avoid them. When they ask, I would say “no.” It would come out rudely and a bit harshly, due to the fact that I hadn’t done anything to set a boundary in days 1-4.
B) I would smile and wave at them, but would secretly hope that they wouldn’t ask me to carry the groceries today. When they ask, I would oblige, but deep down I’d be able to detect some feelings of resentment and annoyance that this person continually asks me to carry their groceries.
C) As soon as I saw the person, I would turn around, sprint away, get in my car and find a new grocery store to shop at.
So now, I want you to go back to the beginning of this analogy, but instead of a stranger, it’s a dear friend or family member that you love deeply. Someone that has done many things for you throughout your life, someone who you trust, admire and respect. How do you respond to the scenarios then? Here’s how I would feel:
A) My first thought would be, “Damn, she’s having a bad day today. Hope she feels better soon.” Then I would continue on with my shopping and my day. I’d probably call her later to check up on her and see if her day got any better.
B) I’d feel like a million bucks! My first thought would be, “Wow! I’m so glad that she felt like she could ask me for help. I love her so much. I’m glad I could help her carry those groceries.”
C) I’d be a little bit put off, but would write it off as my friend feeling overwhelmed. “Maybe she really needs some more help getting stuff done. It sounds like she’s drowning a little bit.” If I let this continue for too long without setting a boundary, though, I’d start to get bitter. I’d probably begin to distance myself from that person, which would cause me some heartache.
By now you may have an idea of where I’m going with this, but in case you don’t, now I’ll get to the point.
When you lack friendship, trust, admiration and love with your horse, you’re just a stranger to them. When you arrive in front of them to catch them for the day, you’re the stranger holding the groceries. If your groceries are heavy with baggage from your past, the horse is having to work harder. If your grocery bags are fragile and tear easily due to fear or ego, your horse must tiptoe while still getting the job done. When the horse gets to your car, how you respond will cause the horse to start forming an opinion about you.
So with that in mind, these could be your horse’s response when they see you, based on scenarios A, B, and C.
A) He sees you coming and avoids eye contact. Perhaps he tries to look busy and talk to his friend. As you get closer, he may try to walk away quickly or hide behind another horse.
B) He may look at you as you approach and “smile.” After all, you were super grateful yesterday after he carried the groceries for you. He may oblige you again today, but deep down he’s wondering how many more times you’re going to ask him to do something. He may start to build up some resentment or annoyance.
C) He sees you coming, turns, and runs away. Except he can’t choose to shop at another grocery store.
However, when you become your horse’s friend FIRST, you immediately get more leeway in how you ask and how you respond. Why? Because your horse knows who you are. She knows your heart and your soul. She knows how your mind works. If you ask harshly one day, or you don’t show the gratitude that you typically do, she will know in her heart that you love, admire and respect her.
So I’ll leave you with this: What do your groceries look like? How do you ask the horse to carry them? How do you respond to the horse when he does? Does your horse view you as a stranger? How many times do you think your horse will your horse carry your groceries for you before he starts to feel negatively about it?
Let's Talk Boundaries: Part 1
Perhaps one of the most important aspects of building a harmonious relationship with your horse, boundaries create a safe space for both horse and human to exist together. Traditionally, we are taught to set rigid, unchanging boundaries and to mindlessly enforce them anytime your horse encroaches upon one. This is the mindset of many horse people, from the time they are young, because we are told that if we don’t do this, “the horse will hurt us.” We are told that if we don’t have complete and utter control of the horse’s feet and body at all times, we are in imminent danger. “Horses are herd animals,” they say, “and you must be the alpha mare and demand respect.” I lived this way with horses for many years. I will say that it’s effective. Your horse will learn to stay out of your space and he will tiptoe around you to be sure he doesn’t “cross the line.” While this keeps you safe, it doesn’t leave room for authentic connection and relationship. It creates obedience and blind rule-following.
I want you to think about some of the human relationships that you value and cherish the most. What do boundaries look like in those relationships? I bet you feel like your boundaries are heard and respected, right? But what about the other person? Do you hear and respect their boundaries as well? If it’s a healthy relationship, the answer is “yes.” If it’s an unhealthy relationship, the answer may be “no.” Unhealthy relationships typically leave one (or both) parties feeling like their boundaries aren’t being heard or respected.
So now, think about the relationship with your horse. First of all, do you feel like your horse respects your boundaries? Do you feel safe in their presence? Do you feel heard, honored and acknowledged? If your answer to those questions is “yes,” that’s great! If your answer to those questions is “no,” get in touch with me and let’s help you get there!
But now it’s time for the more important question. It’s time to ask yourself a question that will bring to light the true nature of your relationship with your horse.
“Do you respect your horse’s boundaries? Does she/he feel safe in your presence? Does he/she feel heard, honored and acknowledged?”
Here’s an exercise to try in light of that question:
Grab a pen and some paper and sit with your horse in a safe space. You can sit outside their stall/paddock, or near them in pasture, etc. Take 10-15 deep breaths, getting grounded and mindful of your surroundings. Get quiet and in tune with yourself. Ask yourself this question: “How do I respect my horse’s boundaries?” Then start to write. See what comes up. See if you can identify a few boundaries that your horse has. Then, ask yourself this question: “How does my horse respect my boundaries?” Start to write and see what comes up. There is no need for guilt, shame or blame in this exercise. We are just trying to get mindful with the current dynamic with our/our horse’s behavior and attitude.
I’d love to hear how this exercise goes for you! In Part 2 of this series, we will dive into WHY a lack of respect for boundaries often exists. It’s very rarely from a place of malicious intent, especially in our relationship with horses. For now, see if you can start to be aware of times throughout the day where you are asking for your boundaries to be respected, as well as when your horse may be asking you to respect his/her boundaries. Becoming mindful is the first step to identifying a boundary…but we’ll get into that in the next post!
Happy Horsing!
Jess Roberts, owner and trainer of Harmonized Horsemanship, is a Colorado horse trainer and equine behaviorist based out of Franktown specializing in the horse and human connection. Through liberty work, intuitive communication, and respectful horsemanship, Jess creates a deeper connection that results in a willing and happy equine partner. Learn more about her approach here.
When Changing a Few Things Changes Everything
If you follow me on social media, you’ve probably seen me post a few things about Fidget — a big, beautiful dark bay Appendix gelding who had been returned to a rescue by three different adopters, and finally found his forever human, Andrea. (Who, you’ll come to find out as you read on, is one of the most amazing humans I’ve ever encountered in the horse world!)
I started working with Fidget because he always seemed a bit “blah” about things. He would do mostly anything you asked, but there was no real spark of interest or joy behind his actions. After an initial evaluation, I realized that there was a good amount of aggression and anger that was pent up within Fidget. I knew he had been failed miserably by humans in the past, so I had compassion for this. I also knew, in order to get to know who he is, and to give him a better quality of life, he had to let this go.
So I started at the beginning with a “basic” exercise in which I asked him to just stand still and look at me. I do this with most of the horses in my program, because it’s rare that we truly stop and LOOK into a horse’s eyes to get to know who he is. So, I brought Fidget into the round pen and asked him to just stand still and look at me. He responded with charging, kicking, rearing and ramming into round pen panels. This went on for a week and a half.
See, the idea of vulnerability terrified him. (I can relate to this as a human being.) Being shut down and guarded had served him well throughout his life. It protected him from heartache, from pain, and from fear. Here I was, practically a stranger, asking him to take the wall down and open up to a new way of being with people. He threw everything he could think of my way. He desperately tried to get me to fight with him, to punish him for acting how he acted, to get defensive and loud. See, if I’d just fight with him, then his way of being would be justified once again.
I refused to fight.
Instead, every day I would show up, catch him, and bring him into the round pen. I’d ask the same thing of him without getting big, without demanding it, and without forcing him into anything. And slowly but surely, he softened bit by bit. He didn’t like it, but he started to try. That was all I needed. We built on that try. Day by day, he’d open some more. His body started to get looser, his mind started to shift. He was shedding some of his old baggage and realizing how nice it could be to just be with humans in a way that didn’t demand a bunch of work, a bunch of obedience or a bunch of tension.
BEFORE Training Started
AFTER 30 Days of Training
It was a truly amazing experience. In just around 60 days, Fidget went from walking away from me when I approached him to nickering and coming to the gate. He went from refusing to look at me, to standing with me with soft and happy eyes. He took quite a liking to liberty work, and even found himself up on the pedestal with beaming pride!
Last week, in a session with me, I was able to put a saddle pad and surcingle on his back at liberty. (The video is on my Facebook page, if you want to watch.) In the moment, it felt really nice. His energy seemed at ease, and his body language didn’t scream “no” in any sense. However, watching it back once I uploaded it, I was struck at how “disinterested” he seemed. He wasn’t screaming no, but he also wasn’t engaged and saying "yes!” I knew in this moment, we had to find out what Fidget truly wanted.
So, I shared my thoughts with Andrea (his human) and Gina (a long-time supporter, advocate and friend of Fidget and Andrea), and we tried to decide what to do. We all agreed that we would do whatever Fidget wanted to do in his life, no matter if that was “convenient” for us or exactly what we wanted.
Throughout the last week, Gina and Andrea have both communicated with Fidget to let him know that he is safe and taken care of no matter what he wants to do. We all reassured him that he doesn’t have to do anything just to please us. More than anything, we want Fidget to be happy. This is where I could share so much, you’d end up having a book to read. So instead, I’ll share with you what happened yesterday when I went out to get Fidget for his session.
He nickered at me when he saw me coming and stood perfectly square when I approached. He rested quietly and locked eyes with me. So I stood there quietly and told him what a good boy he was. At that moment, I got a message from him. It was, “Thank you. I didn’t think it would work, but it did.” Tears welled up in my eyes, and he walked straight to me. Practically shoving his head in the halter, I received his next message.
“You didn’t take anything from me. All you did was give me peace. And now there’s nothing left to do but let me use it.”
And so that’s what he gets to do. He’s going to go live in a pasture with other horses, and enjoy being a horse with his friends, which is where Fidget is the happiest. He will get to see Andrea and Gina regularly, do some liberty work and trail riding for fun, and be a trusty pony ride steed for Andrea’s son.
All we did for Fidget was change a few things. We showed him that it was okay to LOOK at people for comfort and support. We showed him that he didn’t need to do things just because he was asked. We taught him it’s okay to say no. Well, for Fidget, that changed everything.
So Fidgey, you did it. Thank you for trusting me enough to let down your walls. Thank you for allowing me to help you shed some of that old baggage that was weighing you down and causing you discomfort. Thank you for not giving up on yourself, even when it seemed like the easier way out. Thank you for being brave enough to say no. But most of all, thank you for becoming my friend. Because of that, you changed everything for me, too.
Happy trails, buddy. I promise I’ll see you soon.
At this time, I’d like to say a GIANT THANK YOU to both Andrea and Gina for being so willing to honor Fidget at every step of this journey. You chose to #HonorTheHorse, and for that I will be forever grateful. Thank you for allowing me to be the one who worked with him, and for trusting me even when I seemed crazy. It truly takes a village, and our village is pretty much amazing.
How to Improve the Relationship with Your Horse
I get a lot of questions thrown my way as a horse trainer who uses alternative methods and claims to always honor the horse. People will ask me things like “Well, what if he decides he doesn’t want to do it?” or “Don’t you need to control her in order to earn her respect?” Those questions I’ll have to address in another blog post, but the question I get the most often is:
“How do you get your horse to do all of these things?!”
And my response is simple:
“Before anything else, I become his friend.”
Now, this answer typically elicits a few more almost automatic responses:
“Well, how do you do that?!”
“What if my horse doesn’t want to be my friend?!”
“What if she becomes my friend and then she thinks she can walk all over me?”
I’m going to answer these questions, starting with the last two, and then I’ll answer the first one with some tangible ways you can start to create a true friendship with your horse.
Question One: “What if my horse doesn’t want to be my friend?!”
There’s a reason this magical thing between horses and humans works the way it does. Horses and humans are spiritually connected in a way that none of us can explain. When we focus too much on being the "dominant” leader in the situation, we miss out on this magic because we are always trying to control every moment of every situation.
Your horse wants to be your friend. If she didn’t, none of what you do on a daily basis would work. Keep in mind that (1) horses are 1200lb animals that allow us to sit on them, ride them around, and ask them to do unnatural things without too much of a fuss, and (2) horses are gregarious and herd animals that seek out comfort, protection and friendship with other beings.
Your horse wants to be your friend. Your job is to figure out how to the best friend you can be.
Question Two: What if she becomes my friend and then she thinks she can walk all over me?
Well, then you have taught her that it’s okay to walk all over you by not being clear with the boundaries you have for yourself. In my “Respectful Horsemanship” clinics, I introduce a new idea to attendees. I ask them, “How can you expect your horse to respect your boundaries, if you don’t respect hers?” This often causes some pondering, as people are raised in the horse world to believe that if you aren’t dominant and in-control at all times, your horse will take advantage of you, hurt you, run over you, etc.
The way you treat and communicate with your horse is the way that you teach them how you’d like to have communication occur between the two of you. If you are “loud” (i.e. yanking on the lead rope/halter, backing him up 20’ when he creeps forward 2’, chasing him in circles to get him to stand still, etc.), you are telling your horse that in order to be heard, he has to be loud too. You can stand firmly in your boundaries and keep your “bubble” however large or small you’d like it to be, without having to instill fear into your horse for making a wrong move.
Instead, I urge you to try and be quiet. If your horse is pulling ahead of you on the halter, instead of yanking and pulling backwards, just gently raise your hand so it can be seen in front of your horse’s field of vision. This will make a lot more sense to your horse, because this is how other horses ask your horse to stop moving; they reach ahead of them and ask them to stop with their nose. Just this subtle shift towards softness and quietness, will allow your horse to soften and relax, which is your first step towards two-way communication based in mutual respect and boundaries.
If you let your horse push and walk through your boundaries most of the time, but 1/10 times it annoys you and you “explode,” you’ve immediately become an untrustworthy leader. Your horse will be wary of you, or he might decide to “explode” in return. To “control” the horse, we must first learn to control ourselves. Natural horsemanship models itself after the alpha mare/stallion. It urges you to become the horse that leads an entire herd of horses through dictatorship and brute force. My idea, Respectful Horsemanship, urges you to become the horse in the herd that is respected, loved and revered as a level-headed, kind and confident being.
Your horse will seek out comfort and friendship from the horse in his/her herd that is the most consistent, kind and trustworthy. So my question to you is:
Do you want to be the alpha mare who your horse tiptoes around to get to the water trough, or do you want to be the calm, consistent and confident horse that your horse seeks for comfort and clarity?
(Side note: this is the fundamental thing we cover in a lot of my clinics and demos. If this concept interests you, check out the clinic/demo schedule to see if you can attend!)
Question Three: How do you become a REAL friend of your horse?
For this question, I’m going to give you some real, tangible exercises that can help you start to forge a true friendship with your horse!
Do nothing.
This may seem like a silly answer, but in actuality, your horse spends a lot of his days doing “nothing” with his horse friends. They stand quietly together, they nap, they enjoy the company of fellow horses without having to be doing something with their minds and bodies.
As humans, this is a daunting task, because we are programmed to be “on the go” all the time. Whether we’re driving and listening to music at the same time, having a conversation and scrolling Facebook at the same time, or working and watching Netflix, we are conditioned to be busy. The voice in our head never settles down, and we rarely appreciate what’s happening right now.
So, start at 5 minutes of doing nothing with your horse. Sit/stand near him and just breathe. Look at him. Watch his belly expand and contract while he breathes. Listen to the noise his breath makes coming out of his nostrils. But just be still. You can talk to him if you want, you can tell him how hard it is for you to just stand there, but just be still. Do this every day for 2 weeks (bonus points for increasing the time as you go), and you’ll see a shift in how your horse perceives, approaches and interacts with you.
Groom her.
I’m not saying get your brush bucket and put her in the cross-ties and go to town, but instead go to her stall, paddock or bring her into the arena alone, and use your hands to scratch and groom her body. Find her favorite itchy spot and scratch through the lip wiggles and funny faces. Talk to her, smell her neck, exchange breath with her by blowing softly into her nose. Have no expectation of doing “anything” together other than scratching her favorite spots and detangling her tail with your fingertips.
The voice in your head might start to go crazy and tell you this is pointless, or tell you that your horse hates you if she walks away. But just breathe, be still, and try again. This practice can become meditative for yourself and your horse! So be patient and practice as often as you can!
Sit and write.
This is probably my favorite and most profound exercise. If I’m ever feeling stuck in my own life, or in my journey with my horse, this is my go-to exercise. First, you’ll want to find a place that your horse and you can be together in a calm and happy manner. (i.e. a round pen that your horse will stand in quietly and sunbathe, or if she loves standing in her stall to munch on hay, etc.) You’ll need 3 things: a chair, a notebook and a pen. Sit as close to your horse as you can while feeling safe and relaxed. (If your horse is pushy, you might need to be on the outside of the fence/stall/etc.) Get comfortable, and then start working through the following steps:
Step 1: get quiet and be still. Just take 10-15 deep breaths, focusing on the feeling of air entering and leaving your body.
Step 2: If you have some thoughts that immediately enter your mind, just start writing them down as a stream of consciousness. Don’t worry about whether or not they make sense, and don’t stress about grammar, just write. Keep writing until you have nothing else in your mind. (If nothing pops into your mind, continue to step 3)
Step 3: Now you get to ask your horse a question. It can be something like, “What do you need?” or “Is there something I can do to improve our relationship?” If you have another specific question you want to ask your horse (it could be about yourself and your personal life), then you can do that, too! Once you’ve asked the question (aloud or in your mind), take 10 more deep breaths and just wait.
Step 4: Start writing. If nothing clear is in your mind, it’s okay! You can write about how this doesn’t work, or how your horse doesn’t know what you need, etc. You can write what you THINK your horse would say in response to the question, but just start writing. And keep writing and breathing without any judgement of yourself, your horse, or the situation.
Step 5: When you feel like the desire to write has diminished, take a moment to breathe and reconnect. Look at your horse, study his/her body, smile. Write down 5 things you LOVE about your horse. These 5 things can be ANYTHING, but just find 5 things that you love and write them down.
Step 6: Close your notebook, take a deep breath and stand to face your horse. Thank him/her for holding space for you to be still and write. You can pet him, kiss her on the nose, or whatever else you’d like to do to show your gratitude, and then go your separate ways for the day.
This exercise might not work for you right away, or you might get some deep, profound lessons right off the bat. Either way, if the idea of this resonates with you at all, I strongly encourage you to incorporate it into a weekly routine with your horse. Whether or not you feel like it’s working for you, your horse will feel the benefits. It’s a way to begin opening up the lines of intuitive and emotional communication between you both. It’s a way to start building a deep, intimate and strong connection with your equine partner.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading a bit about why I think relationship matters so much, and I hope some of these exercises help you to improve the relationship you have with your horse, too! I would LOVE to hear what you discover and what shifts for you and your horse as you work through some of these exercises! Feel free to leave it in the comments below, send me an email, or get in touch with me on Facebook!
Jess Roberts, owner and trainer of Harmonized Horsemanship, is a Colorado horse trainer and equine behaviorist based out of Franktown specializing in the horse and human connection. Through liberty horsemanship, positive reinforcement training, and respectful horsemanship, Jess creates a deeper connection that results in a willing and happy equine partner. Learn more about her approach here.