Let's Talk Boundaries: Part 1
Perhaps one of the most important aspects of building a harmonious relationship with your horse, boundaries create a safe space for both horse and human to exist together. Traditionally, we are taught to set rigid, unchanging boundaries and to mindlessly enforce them anytime your horse encroaches upon one. This is the mindset of many horse people, from the time they are young, because we are told that if we don’t do this, “the horse will hurt us.” We are told that if we don’t have complete and utter control of the horse’s feet and body at all times, we are in imminent danger. “Horses are herd animals,” they say, “and you must be the alpha mare and demand respect.” I lived this way with horses for many years. I will say that it’s effective. Your horse will learn to stay out of your space and he will tiptoe around you to be sure he doesn’t “cross the line.” While this keeps you safe, it doesn’t leave room for authentic connection and relationship. It creates obedience and blind rule-following.
I want you to think about some of the human relationships that you value and cherish the most. What do boundaries look like in those relationships? I bet you feel like your boundaries are heard and respected, right? But what about the other person? Do you hear and respect their boundaries as well? If it’s a healthy relationship, the answer is “yes.” If it’s an unhealthy relationship, the answer may be “no.” Unhealthy relationships typically leave one (or both) parties feeling like their boundaries aren’t being heard or respected.
So now, think about the relationship with your horse. First of all, do you feel like your horse respects your boundaries? Do you feel safe in their presence? Do you feel heard, honored and acknowledged? If your answer to those questions is “yes,” that’s great! If your answer to those questions is “no,” get in touch with me and let’s help you get there!
But now it’s time for the more important question. It’s time to ask yourself a question that will bring to light the true nature of your relationship with your horse.
“Do you respect your horse’s boundaries? Does she/he feel safe in your presence? Does he/she feel heard, honored and acknowledged?”
Here’s an exercise to try in light of that question:
Grab a pen and some paper and sit with your horse in a safe space. You can sit outside their stall/paddock, or near them in pasture, etc. Take 10-15 deep breaths, getting grounded and mindful of your surroundings. Get quiet and in tune with yourself. Ask yourself this question: “How do I respect my horse’s boundaries?” Then start to write. See what comes up. See if you can identify a few boundaries that your horse has. Then, ask yourself this question: “How does my horse respect my boundaries?” Start to write and see what comes up. There is no need for guilt, shame or blame in this exercise. We are just trying to get mindful with the current dynamic with our/our horse’s behavior and attitude.
I’d love to hear how this exercise goes for you! In Part 2 of this series, we will dive into WHY a lack of respect for boundaries often exists. It’s very rarely from a place of malicious intent, especially in our relationship with horses. For now, see if you can start to be aware of times throughout the day where you are asking for your boundaries to be respected, as well as when your horse may be asking you to respect his/her boundaries. Becoming mindful is the first step to identifying a boundary…but we’ll get into that in the next post!
Happy Horsing!
Jess Roberts, owner and trainer of Harmonized Horsemanship, is a Colorado horse trainer and equine behaviorist based out of Franktown specializing in the horse and human connection. Through liberty work, intuitive communication, and respectful horsemanship, Jess creates a deeper connection that results in a willing and happy equine partner. Learn more about her approach here.