How many times would you carry groceries for a stranger?

How many times would you carry groceries for a stranger without feeling negatively about it?

I want you to imagine you’re in a grocery store. (For the purposes of this analogy, we’re going to assume this is pre-pandemic.) So you walk into this grocery store and almost immediately someone approaches you with a few bags of groceries. They walk straight up to you, hold out the groceries and say “will you carry these to my car for me?”

Now, almost immediately, you’re going to have an emotional/mental reaction to this. It might be that you are immediately annoyed or feel “put off.” It might be that you feel excited about the opportunity to help someone. It might be somewhere in between. At this point, you may start hearing your mother’s voice in your head reminding you to be kind, or you may hear a different voice in your head saying a bunch of expletives and wanting to tell this person to take a hike. Regardless, you get to decide how to react. If I had to assume, most of you would oblige, take the bags and help the person to their car.

Now we’re going to look into a few different scenarios of how this plays out:

A) You get to the car and load up the groceries. The person gives you a silent nod, a small, forced smile, gets in their car and drives off. How do you feel?

B) You get to the car and load up the groceries. The person is immensely grateful, tells you how wonderful you are, showers you with gratitude and appreciation, gets in their car and drives off. How do you feel?

C) You get to the car and load up the groceries. The person does nothing to acknowledge that and immediately starts asking (more like telling) you to do some other tasks for them. How do you feel?

So now you’re back at the grocery store the next day because apparently you forgot something and you got sent back to complete your list. 😉 Almost immediately upon your arrival, here’s this same person, standing before you, holding out bags of groceries. “Will you carry these to my car for me?” they ask. How you respond to this will directly relate to how the scenario played out the day before. I want you to think about how you would respond the second day in a row based on scenarios A, B, and C. We’re going to assume that the person responds the same way each time you carry their groceries for them.

And now, once again, you’re back at the grocery store for the THIRD DAY in a row! As you arrive, you see that same stranger standing in the doorway, almost like they were awaiting your arrival just to ask you to do something for them. How will you respond on the third day in a row?

What about the 4th day?

What about the 5th day?

By the 5th or 6th day, here’s what I would do, based on the different scenarios:

A) I see the person standing before me and I avoid eye contact. I try to look busy, maybe I stare at my phone, maybe I turn my head and talk to my friend. I might walk quickly past them in an attempt to avoid them. When they ask, I would say “no.” It would come out rudely and a bit harshly, due to the fact that I hadn’t done anything to set a boundary in days 1-4.

B) I would smile and wave at them, but would secretly hope that they wouldn’t ask me to carry the groceries today. When they ask, I would oblige, but deep down I’d be able to detect some feelings of resentment and annoyance that this person continually asks me to carry their groceries.

C) As soon as I saw the person, I would turn around, sprint away, get in my car and find a new grocery store to shop at.

So now, I want you to go back to the beginning of this analogy, but instead of a stranger, it’s a dear friend or family member that you love deeply. Someone that has done many things for you throughout your life, someone who you trust, admire and respect. How do you respond to the scenarios then? Here’s how I would feel:

A) My first thought would be, “Damn, she’s having a bad day today. Hope she feels better soon.” Then I would continue on with my shopping and my day. I’d probably call her later to check up on her and see if her day got any better.

B) I’d feel like a million bucks! My first thought would be, “Wow! I’m so glad that she felt like she could ask me for help. I love her so much. I’m glad I could help her carry those groceries.”

C) I’d be a little bit put off, but would write it off as my friend feeling overwhelmed. “Maybe she really needs some more help getting stuff done. It sounds like she’s drowning a little bit.” If I let this continue for too long without setting a boundary, though, I’d start to get bitter. I’d probably begin to distance myself from that person, which would cause me some heartache.

By now you may have an idea of where I’m going with this, but in case you don’t, now I’ll get to the point.

When you lack friendship, trust, admiration and love with your horse, you’re just a stranger to them. When you arrive in front of them to catch them for the day, you’re the stranger holding the groceries. If your groceries are heavy with baggage from your past, the horse is having to work harder. If your grocery bags are fragile and tear easily due to fear or ego, your horse must tiptoe while still getting the job done. When the horse gets to your car, how you respond will cause the horse to start forming an opinion about you.

So with that in mind, these could be your horse’s response when they see you, based on scenarios A, B, and C.

A) He sees you coming and avoids eye contact. Perhaps he tries to look busy and talk to his friend. As you get closer, he may try to walk away quickly or hide behind another horse.

B) He may look at you as you approach and “smile.” After all, you were super grateful yesterday after he carried the groceries for you. He may oblige you again today, but deep down he’s wondering how many more times you’re going to ask him to do something. He may start to build up some resentment or annoyance.

C) He sees you coming, turns, and runs away. Except he can’t choose to shop at another grocery store.

However, when you become your horse’s friend FIRST, you immediately get more leeway in how you ask and how you respond. Why? Because your horse knows who you are. She knows your heart and your soul. She knows how your mind works. If you ask harshly one day, or you don’t show the gratitude that you typically do, she will know in her heart that you love, admire and respect her.

So I’ll leave you with this: What do your groceries look like? How do you ask the horse to carry them? How do you respond to the horse when he does? Does your horse view you as a stranger? How many times do you think your horse will your horse carry your groceries for you before he starts to feel negatively about it?