How to Improve the Relationship with Your Horse
I get a lot of questions thrown my way as a horse trainer who uses alternative methods and claims to always honor the horse. People will ask me things like “Well, what if he decides he doesn’t want to do it?” or “Don’t you need to control her in order to earn her respect?” Those questions I’ll have to address in another blog post, but the question I get the most often is:
“How do you get your horse to do all of these things?!”
And my response is simple:
“Before anything else, I become his friend.”
Now, this answer typically elicits a few more almost automatic responses:
“Well, how do you do that?!”
“What if my horse doesn’t want to be my friend?!”
“What if she becomes my friend and then she thinks she can walk all over me?”
I’m going to answer these questions, starting with the last two, and then I’ll answer the first one with some tangible ways you can start to create a true friendship with your horse.
Question One: “What if my horse doesn’t want to be my friend?!”
There’s a reason this magical thing between horses and humans works the way it does. Horses and humans are spiritually connected in a way that none of us can explain. When we focus too much on being the "dominant” leader in the situation, we miss out on this magic because we are always trying to control every moment of every situation.
Your horse wants to be your friend. If she didn’t, none of what you do on a daily basis would work. Keep in mind that (1) horses are 1200lb animals that allow us to sit on them, ride them around, and ask them to do unnatural things without too much of a fuss, and (2) horses are gregarious and herd animals that seek out comfort, protection and friendship with other beings.
Your horse wants to be your friend. Your job is to figure out how to the best friend you can be.
Question Two: What if she becomes my friend and then she thinks she can walk all over me?
Well, then you have taught her that it’s okay to walk all over you by not being clear with the boundaries you have for yourself. In my “Respectful Horsemanship” clinics, I introduce a new idea to attendees. I ask them, “How can you expect your horse to respect your boundaries, if you don’t respect hers?” This often causes some pondering, as people are raised in the horse world to believe that if you aren’t dominant and in-control at all times, your horse will take advantage of you, hurt you, run over you, etc.
The way you treat and communicate with your horse is the way that you teach them how you’d like to have communication occur between the two of you. If you are “loud” (i.e. yanking on the lead rope/halter, backing him up 20’ when he creeps forward 2’, chasing him in circles to get him to stand still, etc.), you are telling your horse that in order to be heard, he has to be loud too. You can stand firmly in your boundaries and keep your “bubble” however large or small you’d like it to be, without having to instill fear into your horse for making a wrong move.
Instead, I urge you to try and be quiet. If your horse is pulling ahead of you on the halter, instead of yanking and pulling backwards, just gently raise your hand so it can be seen in front of your horse’s field of vision. This will make a lot more sense to your horse, because this is how other horses ask your horse to stop moving; they reach ahead of them and ask them to stop with their nose. Just this subtle shift towards softness and quietness, will allow your horse to soften and relax, which is your first step towards two-way communication based in mutual respect and boundaries.
If you let your horse push and walk through your boundaries most of the time, but 1/10 times it annoys you and you “explode,” you’ve immediately become an untrustworthy leader. Your horse will be wary of you, or he might decide to “explode” in return. To “control” the horse, we must first learn to control ourselves. Natural horsemanship models itself after the alpha mare/stallion. It urges you to become the horse that leads an entire herd of horses through dictatorship and brute force. My idea, Respectful Horsemanship, urges you to become the horse in the herd that is respected, loved and revered as a level-headed, kind and confident being.
Your horse will seek out comfort and friendship from the horse in his/her herd that is the most consistent, kind and trustworthy. So my question to you is:
Do you want to be the alpha mare who your horse tiptoes around to get to the water trough, or do you want to be the calm, consistent and confident horse that your horse seeks for comfort and clarity?
(Side note: this is the fundamental thing we cover in a lot of my clinics and demos. If this concept interests you, check out the clinic/demo schedule to see if you can attend!)
Question Three: How do you become a REAL friend of your horse?
For this question, I’m going to give you some real, tangible exercises that can help you start to forge a true friendship with your horse!
Do nothing.
This may seem like a silly answer, but in actuality, your horse spends a lot of his days doing “nothing” with his horse friends. They stand quietly together, they nap, they enjoy the company of fellow horses without having to be doing something with their minds and bodies.
As humans, this is a daunting task, because we are programmed to be “on the go” all the time. Whether we’re driving and listening to music at the same time, having a conversation and scrolling Facebook at the same time, or working and watching Netflix, we are conditioned to be busy. The voice in our head never settles down, and we rarely appreciate what’s happening right now.
So, start at 5 minutes of doing nothing with your horse. Sit/stand near him and just breathe. Look at him. Watch his belly expand and contract while he breathes. Listen to the noise his breath makes coming out of his nostrils. But just be still. You can talk to him if you want, you can tell him how hard it is for you to just stand there, but just be still. Do this every day for 2 weeks (bonus points for increasing the time as you go), and you’ll see a shift in how your horse perceives, approaches and interacts with you.
Groom her.
I’m not saying get your brush bucket and put her in the cross-ties and go to town, but instead go to her stall, paddock or bring her into the arena alone, and use your hands to scratch and groom her body. Find her favorite itchy spot and scratch through the lip wiggles and funny faces. Talk to her, smell her neck, exchange breath with her by blowing softly into her nose. Have no expectation of doing “anything” together other than scratching her favorite spots and detangling her tail with your fingertips.
The voice in your head might start to go crazy and tell you this is pointless, or tell you that your horse hates you if she walks away. But just breathe, be still, and try again. This practice can become meditative for yourself and your horse! So be patient and practice as often as you can!
Sit and write.
This is probably my favorite and most profound exercise. If I’m ever feeling stuck in my own life, or in my journey with my horse, this is my go-to exercise. First, you’ll want to find a place that your horse and you can be together in a calm and happy manner. (i.e. a round pen that your horse will stand in quietly and sunbathe, or if she loves standing in her stall to munch on hay, etc.) You’ll need 3 things: a chair, a notebook and a pen. Sit as close to your horse as you can while feeling safe and relaxed. (If your horse is pushy, you might need to be on the outside of the fence/stall/etc.) Get comfortable, and then start working through the following steps:
Step 1: get quiet and be still. Just take 10-15 deep breaths, focusing on the feeling of air entering and leaving your body.
Step 2: If you have some thoughts that immediately enter your mind, just start writing them down as a stream of consciousness. Don’t worry about whether or not they make sense, and don’t stress about grammar, just write. Keep writing until you have nothing else in your mind. (If nothing pops into your mind, continue to step 3)
Step 3: Now you get to ask your horse a question. It can be something like, “What do you need?” or “Is there something I can do to improve our relationship?” If you have another specific question you want to ask your horse (it could be about yourself and your personal life), then you can do that, too! Once you’ve asked the question (aloud or in your mind), take 10 more deep breaths and just wait.
Step 4: Start writing. If nothing clear is in your mind, it’s okay! You can write about how this doesn’t work, or how your horse doesn’t know what you need, etc. You can write what you THINK your horse would say in response to the question, but just start writing. And keep writing and breathing without any judgement of yourself, your horse, or the situation.
Step 5: When you feel like the desire to write has diminished, take a moment to breathe and reconnect. Look at your horse, study his/her body, smile. Write down 5 things you LOVE about your horse. These 5 things can be ANYTHING, but just find 5 things that you love and write them down.
Step 6: Close your notebook, take a deep breath and stand to face your horse. Thank him/her for holding space for you to be still and write. You can pet him, kiss her on the nose, or whatever else you’d like to do to show your gratitude, and then go your separate ways for the day.
This exercise might not work for you right away, or you might get some deep, profound lessons right off the bat. Either way, if the idea of this resonates with you at all, I strongly encourage you to incorporate it into a weekly routine with your horse. Whether or not you feel like it’s working for you, your horse will feel the benefits. It’s a way to begin opening up the lines of intuitive and emotional communication between you both. It’s a way to start building a deep, intimate and strong connection with your equine partner.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading a bit about why I think relationship matters so much, and I hope some of these exercises help you to improve the relationship you have with your horse, too! I would LOVE to hear what you discover and what shifts for you and your horse as you work through some of these exercises! Feel free to leave it in the comments below, send me an email, or get in touch with me on Facebook!
Jess Roberts, owner and trainer of Harmonized Horsemanship, is a Colorado horse trainer and equine behaviorist based out of Franktown specializing in the horse and human connection. Through liberty horsemanship, positive reinforcement training, and respectful horsemanship, Jess creates a deeper connection that results in a willing and happy equine partner. Learn more about her approach here.